It's not what I thought it'd be.
Then again, I had very few ideas about it to begin with. I just wanted something better. I looked around, every day, for about a year - looking back, for much longer than a year. There had to be something better. There had to be more.
Taylorville is a great place to grow up, but leaving is the only way to grow out.
So I arrived early, participated in research. Heard a professor say words like fuck and damn and shit. And you know, it wasn't derogatory - he/she was imitating someone, was talking like people actually talk, wasnt' worried (too much) about offending someone.
I went out when I wanted to go out. No checking in, no texting my parents. I didn't know too many people, because there were only a small number of people to know. Then I watched, as week 2 went by, and more and more people filled the cafeteria.
I sat with random people at lunch, people I didn't know. There were no cliques - football players mostly sat together, but that was because they were told to, to create "team spirit," at least until camp was over. Everyone sat with everyone. People who might have hated each other just a few months ago, had they gone to high school. People giving people a chance because everything is different now.
Hell, even the air is different. And sometimes it stinks, both figuratively and literally (there's a slaughterhouse on one side of town and a dog food factory on the other).
It was in some ways new, and in other ways not. I was a freshman again. Some things are the same.
But some things...some things are vastly different. I look back four years ago, when I met people who changed my life, people I never would have expected to - people who still do.
Take a break, and think. Who have you fallen in love with? Who do you still love - as a friend, as more than a friend, years after you first met? Who has changed you?
I know that, in some ways, that's the same thing - you never know who you're going to meet and what role they are going to play. You just meet, talk, exchange perspectives, exchange numbers. You talk about your schools, and what your major is, what you're involved in.
It's like a first date, but with friends.
Today was the Freshman Walk-Out. That's when all the freshman Scots (yay! I'm a Scot!) walk around the town and are formally welcomed by businesses - by pens, pencils, free notebooks, coupons, fliers, food, magnets, markers, key chains. It was hot, sweat fell down my back, and the bags (started out with one, ended with four) grew heavy in my hands, deliciously heavy. And I was smiling the entire way, because it finally happened.
This isn't my entire life. But it's my life right now. It's a new beginning, finally, the one I've been waiting for. The next chapter has officially started, a new page started - and I was finally who I wanted to be, who I could be. I could join clubs without being judged by people, without being limited by my old friends. And I mean nothing bad by that, because I love my friends, best friends - and I know that they know what I mean. Anybody who's been to college knows what I mean.
All the things you wanted to do? They're possible. And it's a glorious feeling. Much like high school freshman year.
But here's the difference, the big difference: I know how fast it really goes. I remember last year, feeling so old, so big, so brave. I N V I N C I B L E. I hope my senior friends know what I'm talking about, because it's a nice feeling to have once in a while - the knowledge that you want to get out of here, but for now, this is your place, where you belong, it's finally your turn to be the head honchos. There is not a person (worth knowing, anyway) who you don't know, not a teacher you haven't heard a story about.
My little darlings, who I remember as little freshmen still to this day and am so proud of the people they have become, know what I'm talking about. All I can say is enjoy it as much as you can. I know, there are times senior year sucks and you just want to GET OUT, but when you're out, you are out. There's no going back. Remember that.
I was happy at graduation - ecstatic. I hope you are, too, because that means you're ready to go, and you should be. But until then, take a look around every once in a while. Participate. Or don't participate - in one class in particular, half the hour we usually spent just messing around, me usually playing angry birds or complaining how I could be doing something for Journalism.
Just make some memories that you want to remember. You'll appreciate it later, when you're a freshman again like me, not 14 but 18, and remember those days that sucked, but you also remember the days that kept you going.
Also, Facebook = awesome. I don't know what I would do without it, friends-wise. I miss my senior class so much already. We were unique, we were friends, we knew each other. Now we're all in different directions (all of us, thank God, no losses yet), but we are still united - phone numbers, Facebook, Skype. I'm so glad. I don't want to lose contact with them just yet, although 10-year reunion is going to be fun.
It goes by fast. And today, I recognized that. I smiled most of the entire day, was in a jovial mood despite having homework for the first time in months. I loved my ILA (Intro to Liberal Arts) class, because it was different from high school. I went to an informational meeting about sororities, something I never would've done in high school. I went to a residence hall meeting and began to realize just how differently, wonderfully different this year would be.
I can't wait to see how I change, who I form relationships with. I can't wait to see what teachers I hate and what teachers I all but literally worship. I can try to avoid the fights when I can, but I know that every bit of it, good or bad, there's a part of me that's going to enjoy it. Because I will be growing, experiencing, constantly changing. I will become who I am meant to be. I will find out just what I am made of.
I guess you could say I'm one of those people. The ones that take everything in stride because it all happens for a reason.
There is a reason. It's up to me to find it. This is me, going through ups and downs. This is me, going through another four years that will go by so slow, but looking back, it will have gone by so fast.
This is me, a freshman once more. I'm going to enjoy every second of it, because I know how it feels to be a senior and secretly (or not-so-secretly) scared shitless of what's next.
We don't remember days, we remember moments.
Walking down the streets of Monmouth this early afternoon, with two new friends I met only a few weeks ago, I realized that I will get back to that feeling soon enough, in a full circle. I realized I will never have a first day of college again, only a moment in the back of my mind.
This is me, age 18 now, and I'm taking hold of these days that will transform into moments, and I'm doing my damnedest to never let go.
"There's a whole universe next door. Come on, let's go."-e.e. cummings
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