Self-Imposed Prison

It is more than just seemingly ironic when I study “Self-Reliance” and Thoreau’s “Walden.” We as scholars are encouraged to read, to study, to explore our options by involving ourselves with campus – and then find ourselves with no time to truly explore. We make commitments because commitment is the underbelly of our society, the driving force behind our modern lives.

In many ways, we are lucky. Females in particular used to be unable to study or partake in anything that could potentially damage their reputation and therefore marriage prospects. We had to ask permission from society to express ourselves; now, it is an accepted fact that women study and work, sometimes choosing their career over the traditional family, other times doing both – and making more money than their significant other. All students are fortunate because we have more opportunities available to us than ever; financial aid, study abroad, degrees in all sorts of developing fields, clubs with all sorts of constitutions.

We are also unlucky. So many opportunities lead to confusion and searches for identity. For every person who finds their calling, there are several who remain clueless as to what they should be. It leads to unhappiness and often stagnant lifestyles, leaving a person feeling like they are caught.

Then there are people like me. I wonder what I am doing with my life. I am doing supposedly what I am supposed to do – go to college, get an education, involve myself – but it’s not really bringing me much happiness at times. I hate being idle and so in some ways it saves me, but then, there are many ways that I feel trapped. I want to join new groups, but I cant due to other groups I’m in – and some of them are now my jobs. Often I am exhausted, emotionally and mentally and physically, and I just want to collapse and talk to no one for any period of time. I am continually growing sick of people and their opinions, probably because I’ve met people here who are so arrogant and opinionated that they hate or disparage anybody who disagrees with them or has the nerve to say they are “wrong.” It’s along the lines of, “I’m wrong? No, you’re wrong, by saying that I’m wrong,” thus pervading this sense of always being right.

What idiots, yeah?

But I digress. What I want to bring from this is that reading Emerson’s “Self Reliance” is really pulling at my heart strings. I want to travel everywhere, and I think a large part of it is because I am unhappy and unsure as to who I am. I doubt that going out on my own and living in a cabin, secluded from society, will bring me total happiness, not after how I was raised and what I have continually employed myself with. However, I can’t help but wonder why I am reading Emerson – he gives good advice, but according to him, I am just as capable of being as wise as him if I dare to think and say and write what I wish. I cannot do that if I am always studying other authors; Emerson himself describes a library as a prison for man. In a way he’s right –how often I feel limited, or inadequate, because of other works. Hardly a confidence booster, especially for a burgeoning writer.

I am working on my own life and who I should be. I wonder how I can truly be self-reliant in this society, and how I can become self-aware, when I am constantly trapped by commitment.

I am not happy in this world.

Soundtrack

I heard a song today that I’ve

Heard a thousand times before

But sitting in my chair I thought

I finally understood what it was for

Remember that night I couldn’t sleep

You offered me a place to stay

We didn’t plan on anything happening

I go over it in my mind every day

I stayed up all night talking to you

Work called me in the morning so I turned away

Then you asked if you could hold me

I turned around and that’s when I lost my way

Your kiss was the sweetest I’ve ever tasted

I felt it all the way to my knees yet it wasn’t rough

Only the sun was witness to our tangled up limbs

Your mouth was a drink and I couldn’t get enough

The first two days passed and I felt like it was a play

I thought it was forever but this was only second act

The curtain is about to call for our final bow and still

I can’t just forget, and I don’t want to see you react

I still remember trying to figure out the color of your eyes

Your fingers so long but fit perfectly with mine

It was a long hot summer but you echo mostly clearly

I have to break the news and I wish I was lying

Your kiss was the sweetest I’ve ever tasted

I felt it all the way to my knees yet it wasn’t rough

Only the sun was witness to our tangled up limbs

Your mouth was a drink and I couldn’t get enough

So many nights have passed by and that feeling remains

So fresh in my mind, but I know I must say goodbye

No one else can compare, my darling, I swear

I’m not replacing you but we know the timing isn’t right

The sensation of your skin and your fingers

I remember you calling me gorgeous and stroking my hair

Never was a fairytale so wrong in its time and place

Just know it’s not because I don’t care because I still swear,

Your kiss was the sweetest I’ve ever tasted

I felt it all the way to my knees yet it wasn’t rough

Only the sun was witness to our tangled up limbs

Your mouth was a drink and I couldn’t get enough

I couldn’t get enough, I couldn’t get enough

Friend, I promise, you were always enough.

It’s love that isn’t enough, isn’t enough.

Life is an occasion: Rise.

The Dark Knight Rises is a jewel in the world of cinema. Not only is it a brilliant conclusion to a trilogy and plays plenty of homage and reference to the other two, it is also just a genuinely enjoyable film. It has important elements about love, family, and finding yourself - and oh my god, it's a teen Bruce Wayne. Sort of. More like midlife crisis, really, but it's the Batman so it warrants a kickass movie at the hands of Christopher Nolan.

I giggled and clapped and stared transfixed at the screen, sometimes horrified but mostly enraptured. I walked out of that movie in awe. Words could not describe it, a sentiment echoed by many others I have discussed the film with. I get that feeling very, very rarely - in fact, I can only think of Harry Potter 7, Part 2 coming close.

The main gravitas of the movie is how it makes me look at my own life. Seriously. One, the film is about a man's journey to save his city and find himself a happy life, overcoming a dark, desolate, almost Lord of the Flies-esque society. It's hard not to identify with that. Two, the film explores the power of just one individual in various ways through not one but really all of its characters - Bruce, Blake, Gordon, Selina, Bane.

Three, and most importantly, the film's ability to make me feel. People created this film - artists made me feel what I felt, a feeling of hope and redemption and power. It's hard to describe but I think that if you see the film, you'll understand. If one man essentially (Christopher Nolan) can direct and execute a film - hell, a trilogy - such as this, what says that one girl/woman such as myself cannot do the same? I am a writer, an artist, a dreamer, a creative mind. I don't think in terms of numbers or absolutes like some do. I am always thinking and creating. In short, I'm a writer, and a writer's dream is to not only paint a canvas with words but to effect people, make them feel different corners of their emotional wavelength.

Going to the movies is intended to offer an escape, and The Dark Knight Rises does more than just that. It made me feel inspired to do good, to find hope in every darkness, to overcome all the people that don't like me - Catwoman is an excellent example of not caring what other people think - and to become something more than just another one of the masses. I can contribute to the world. I can become powerful by making people feel what I feel, and tell stories that make people not feel alone, to make them feel inspired. Life is an occasion; rise.

"If you make yourself more than just a man...."

On another note, a moment of silence for those injured and killed in the Aurora, Colorado theater massacre, and a prayer of thanks that a similar event did not happen at my theater or a theater that contained loved ones.

Places, I am going

Got paid today. YEAHHHH! I needed the good ole (not) trustfund replenished...sooo bad.
And the truck is fixed. No more dent from some asshole, and no chipped paint. It's so purty :)) Plus it actually has more than a quarter tank of gas. Payday, again, chicka chicka yeahhhh!

I have a new mantra now. I've finally reached that point of not looking back at all the things I could've, should've, would've done. It's the first step to a new and improved and, ultimately, happier Cassie. I guess I've finally become exhausted with the whole thing - imagining all these different scenarios with people if I had said this or done that.
It's growing up, and as much as I hate doing that sometimes, as it means another piece of innocence lost, it has to happen, right? Better it happens now than when I'm like 50 and realize I've spent my life being stupid far longer than I should. What I mean by that is how some people never leave high school - they just stay the same person, keep trying to date the same people or take jobs that are just as dead-end as the one before or talk about the same old people.
Where's the forgiveness? Where's the bravery in that? It's terrifying to think that I will be the same person in thirty years that I am now, yet there are people like that. They have kids, jobs, etc. but their personalities never change. It's always the same mindless drabble, a never-ending circle.
A big part of it is where they live, which is why I will never live in Taylorville again. It's starting to lose its significance anyway and turning more into nostalgia. I have new appreciation for it but since those days are gone and I'm not focusing on the past anymore, it's time to remember it fondly but think of new places. I want to live in Europe for a while. I'm not sure how long, but I need to get away from the U.S. and everything even slightly familiar. It probably will not be until after college. I don't intend to plan what I do after college. I know I'm not going to go to undergrad because I will undoubtedly be burnt out on school and need to take a break - it'll be weird after 16 years of schooling, but I'm determined to take a year off. I think i'll just buy a plane ticket and go somewhere - the coast of the U.S., Europe. Maybe I'll have some friends there from when they studied abroad or when I studied abroad.
I need to do it then because that's the time to do it - I'll be 22, graduated college (if all goes as planned), and no doubt thirsty to see the world. I gotta do it before I get stuck in a job or stuck in grad school or stuck with whatever thrown my way - hopefully not kids but a boyfriend or something.
Get out while the gettin' is good, is the phrase.
After Europe or wherever, I think I'll move to the coast here in the U.S. Jobs will play a part I'm sure, or even grad school - I haven't given up on Mizzou just yet. Missouri might be welcome after my time abroad. We'll see. Then again, maybe I'll get more schooling abroad. Have to see.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do. It's still early so I have time, but I prefer that when it comes to planning things. Ask anyone who's been to one of my big parties. I plan for a week, two weeks, perhaps a month in advance. I don't know if I want to go into publishing because it might be mind-numbing work. I don't know if I'll want to be a reporter or not. I might be burnt(burned?) out on that. I just want to see the world, and reporting might be the best idea, especially for a young, single woman with no major family commitments.
Yeah, I'm going to be one of those career women. I could never be a housewife. I'd be one of those housewives that kills her husband with a pitchfork or arsenic or something and screams "YOU STOLE MY YOUUUUUUTH!"
Who knows. Maybe I'll be a graphic designer at Vanity Fair or something. I love designing spreads. For now, I guess I'll just do what I love and see what follows. That's ultimately how you find yourself. I'm hoping to get an internship next summer, preferably in Chicago. We'll see.

You are 19.

When the only people you see are in music videos.

When you go on tumblr and proceed to post way too many, way too personal images and quotes.

When you determinedly ignore talking to his best friend about what happened.

When you refuse to reflect on how she gave you a very unpleasant flash of déjà vu.

When you think back to how you used to be and wish you still were.

When you think how ironic that is.

When you realize that that person is deep in you and you just need to let her step out again.

When you receive great comfort from John Hughes films.

When you bake in the sun and nurse your wounds with a fond flash of remembrance.

When you see a picture and think that you actually look pretty even though you pick out your flaws.

When you realize that perfection is boring.

When you realize you will not be a teenager for much longer.

When you realize why people reflect on adolescence with fondness,

You are 19.

So this blog is becoming a collection of my works. I think it will be very therapeutic. I think this summer in general with be therapeutic. I plan to enjoy myself and spend time with people I normally would spend time with it.

"Funny, isn't it," a friend has said, "how our groups have all changed after graduating high school."

Indeed, they have. I like it, I suppose. I'm happier now with these people than I was back in the day, and since some of the people are the same, I figure I am doing pretty well by my own standards, friend wise. You never really keep the same exact people in your lives because we are all changing. I'm not the person I was a year or two or more years ago, and I can't expect other people to be.

I can just expect people to be, whatever they are, a good one: a good person, a good friend. I think that's all I can recall of myself.

"Whatever you are, be a good one."-Abraham Lincoln

Yeah, I like that.

Wannabe Breakfast Club

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“I’m figuring out as we speak. You might as well fill in the gaps.”

She glared at him. “Then figure it out.”

“No. Tell me. I would only get half the story and I don’t half ass anything, so tell me or I’ll coerce you.”

“What, you gonna torture me?” she challenged.

“No, don’t need to. Just going to bother you.”

She stared at the wall resolutely, and finally he sighed.

“Look, we’re in here. We have no other alternative to listening to each other talk other than watching the walls start to bleed. Talk, for fuck’s sake.”

She caught his eye, and for the first time didn’t look away. He stared back, eyes dark and wide and almost honest. She looked at her crunched-up legs, focusing on a scuffed sneaker.

“I was climbing the ladder, the career ladder. I was determined. Slept little, ate little, worked all the time, picked up extra shifts. I hadn’t found the line yet…”

“big surprise,” he muttered, forgetting they were in a six foot space. He immediately regretted it as her head whipped up, gaze hardened.

“You know what? Forget it.”

“Okay, okay, I’m –”

“No, you’re not,” she snapped. “You don’t care. Fuck this. What is this supposed to be? We get caught in the elevator, it breaks, and now we’re in some fucked-up version of The Breakfast Club with only Brian and the Basketcase because of – because of – budget cuts!”

He started laughing, which only pissed her off more.

“Fuck you.”

“Yes, fuck me, that’s funny!” he kept laughing. “Brian? Basketcase? Hey, wait…I’m the nerdy brain? Gee, thanks.”

“Get real. I’m the nerdy brain. You’re the basketcase.”

“Whaaat? I don’t –”

“Oh, I’m sorry, you’re not a compulsive liar with an obviously messed up parental relationship and a broody, outcast, caustic disposition? Please.”
“Ouch. I’m not a compulsive liar. I plan.”

“Oh, that’s so much better.”

“Wait, so what, you’re the nerd? The quiet one? The insecure one with great, magnificent insight and so much pressure from your parents?”

“Yep. I mean, everyone wants to be Bender or Claire, and I saw a bit of myself in all of the characters, even the janitor or the dick principal, but…I always was Brian, I know. Just that one line…” She paused, biting her lip.

He thought. “…‘I don’t know pressure. Fuck you’?”

Genuine surprise. “No…‘I see myself in the mirror, you know, and I…I don’t like what I see.’”

“Don’t be,” he said, shaking his head. She stared at him, head cocked to the side, and visibly thought about his words, wondering if she was foolish for misunderstanding…

“Don’t be what?”

“Don’t be…unhappy with yourself. You’ve got a lot less to be unhappy about than most people, than I do. You’re…you’re one of the best people I’ve met.”

“…Really?”

“Yeah. So, when you look in the mirror…like what you see. You’re one of the few people that should.”

(c) CJB June 7 2012

This is mine. Don't steal.

In another life, I would never have to say I'm sorry.

Oh wow.
So much has changed.
I helped save a life. Then ruined it. I...I made a huge mistake recently, and it's tearing me apart. This entire semester I have been torn apart.
It's my fault. It's someone else's fault but it's also mine.
Another huge mistake. The only thing that this is good for is that it's teaching me another life lesson. I'm chalking up a lot of those.
I think what's really messed me up is that no one needs me here. No one needs me to talk to them out of something. No one really wants me here. No one would care if I left. It's terrible, right? But that's the way it is when you're an adult. Everyone lets go. I'm still a child because I hold on tightly.
I can't even describe what I'm going through right now. Tonight was a senior ceremony and I cried because two of the seniors are two of the greatest people I've ever known and have really been there. I am losing so many friends next semester, either graduating or studying abroad or transferring. Plus it doesn't help that it seems like so many people have shown their true colors, and none of them blend well with mine.
I'm like a nut in a skittles factory. Hahaha that actually made me smile. But truly, that is probably one of the best descriptions. I've made a lot of mistakes and realized just how powerful are words; I was on the other end of the line. Instead of words tearing me apart, I tore someone else apart, and I can't take it back.
Life lesson. Life lesson. That's my mantra.
I'm damn well tired of it. The best I can do is to remind yourself to remember that everyone else is human, like you, and that words leave scars even deeper than physical ones.
I'm ready to go home and forget the world. See if anyone misses me enough to text or call. Then again, some people annoy me so much these days. Maybe I should just leave? I'm considering it. But then, I'd have to start all over again. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I'm not sure where I'd go, though. A state school? Another private college?
Fuck it. Fuck it all. I want this semester to be over.
And there I go again. For all I know, this semester will be one of the best ones of my life. HA! I need a new beginning. I'm hoping the three months will clear my head, help me find myself again, and hold on to her.

UPDATE: But then, that'd be too easy. I would not grow from that. I need to come back and face my demons, maybe make happier ones. It'd be too easy to flip over a new page and leave. That's the coward's way out. The only thing worse - well, okay, not the only worse thing - than  coming back next semester would be running away. I surely must have some sort of life here. I have a couple jobs lined up at the least. I'm feeling calmer now, but still...it's hard, you know? It's really friggin' hard and upsetting. I'm at the point where sometimes I'm fine but then I see someone, talk to someone, get a random flashback, and I sink.
I wish it'd be a little easier. I know you don't grow when it's easy though.