Oh wow.
So much has changed.
I helped save a life. Then ruined it. I...I made a huge mistake recently, and it's tearing me apart. This entire semester I have been torn apart.
It's my fault. It's someone else's fault but it's also mine.
Another huge mistake. The only thing that this is good for is that it's teaching me another life lesson. I'm chalking up a lot of those.
I think what's really messed me up is that no one needs me here. No one needs me to talk to them out of something. No one really wants me here. No one would care if I left. It's terrible, right? But that's the way it is when you're an adult. Everyone lets go. I'm still a child because I hold on tightly.
I can't even describe what I'm going through right now. Tonight was a senior ceremony and I cried because two of the seniors are two of the greatest people I've ever known and have really been there. I am losing so many friends next semester, either graduating or studying abroad or transferring. Plus it doesn't help that it seems like so many people have shown their true colors, and none of them blend well with mine.
I'm like a nut in a skittles factory. Hahaha that actually made me smile. But truly, that is probably one of the best descriptions. I've made a lot of mistakes and realized just how powerful are words; I was on the other end of the line. Instead of words tearing me apart, I tore someone else apart, and I can't take it back.
Life lesson. Life lesson. That's my mantra.
I'm damn well tired of it. The best I can do is to remind yourself to remember that everyone else is human, like you, and that words leave scars even deeper than physical ones.
I'm ready to go home and forget the world. See if anyone misses me enough to text or call. Then again, some people annoy me so much these days. Maybe I should just leave? I'm considering it. But then, I'd have to start all over again. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I'm not sure where I'd go, though. A state school? Another private college?
Fuck it. Fuck it all. I want this semester to be over.
And there I go again. For all I know, this semester will be one of the best ones of my life. HA! I need a new beginning. I'm hoping the three months will clear my head, help me find myself again, and hold on to her.
UPDATE: But then, that'd be too easy. I would not grow from that. I need to come
back and face my demons, maybe make happier ones. It'd be too easy to
flip over a new page and leave. That's the coward's way out. The only
thing worse - well, okay, not the only worse thing - than coming back
next semester would be running away. I surely must have some sort of
life here. I have a couple jobs lined up at the least. I'm feeling
calmer now, but still...it's hard, you know? It's really friggin' hard and upsetting. I'm at the point where sometimes I'm fine but then I see someone, talk to someone, get a random flashback, and I sink.
I
wish it'd be a little easier. I know you don't grow when it's easy
though.
Transfer to Millikin! :)
ReplyDeleteCollege is the time for growth. College is the time where you discover who it is you really are to become and for you to forge your own path in this world. It is a trying and arduous time that nobody ever preps you for. It's the hardest time in your life, and the funnest time in your life. It's like F. Scott Fitzgerald when he begins "A Tale of Two Cities," -It was the best of times and it was the worst of times-
ReplyDeleteNo one can prepare you for this time frame of your life. It is where you find yourself and establish your course in this world. The lessons learned here are biting and will stick with your soul throughout eternity. The only real condolence that can be received is that you aren't the only one. We've all struggled with it. We've all been impatient with it. We've all hurt with it. We've all been lost before. The key is the questions you ask yourself (are they the right questions?) and the honest, brutal answers that only you can give. That is what determines how you come out the other side of this time in your life.
You are not alone, and you are loved. That is your greatest advantage.
Getting to know you a little has made me realize that You are probably one of the coolest cats at the good ole mouth. So, don't leave. With that out of the way, my comment is in regards to where you say "But that's the way it is when you're an adult. Everyone lets go. I'm still a child because I hold on tightly."
ReplyDeleteI think that, that is incorrect. I think that is an awesome trait to have, that could be because i do the same thing, but who knows. If I do it, it must be awesome.
When people grow up they lose the "little kid" part of them and become all serious, all the time. That's no way to live through life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's ok to be a child in some ways. Because most adults are real assholes.
I would care if you left, because I just started getting to know you. So, don't leave. Feel free to chat me up this summer.