Places, I am going

Got paid today. YEAHHHH! I needed the good ole (not) trustfund replenished...sooo bad.
And the truck is fixed. No more dent from some asshole, and no chipped paint. It's so purty :)) Plus it actually has more than a quarter tank of gas. Payday, again, chicka chicka yeahhhh!

I have a new mantra now. I've finally reached that point of not looking back at all the things I could've, should've, would've done. It's the first step to a new and improved and, ultimately, happier Cassie. I guess I've finally become exhausted with the whole thing - imagining all these different scenarios with people if I had said this or done that.
It's growing up, and as much as I hate doing that sometimes, as it means another piece of innocence lost, it has to happen, right? Better it happens now than when I'm like 50 and realize I've spent my life being stupid far longer than I should. What I mean by that is how some people never leave high school - they just stay the same person, keep trying to date the same people or take jobs that are just as dead-end as the one before or talk about the same old people.
Where's the forgiveness? Where's the bravery in that? It's terrifying to think that I will be the same person in thirty years that I am now, yet there are people like that. They have kids, jobs, etc. but their personalities never change. It's always the same mindless drabble, a never-ending circle.
A big part of it is where they live, which is why I will never live in Taylorville again. It's starting to lose its significance anyway and turning more into nostalgia. I have new appreciation for it but since those days are gone and I'm not focusing on the past anymore, it's time to remember it fondly but think of new places. I want to live in Europe for a while. I'm not sure how long, but I need to get away from the U.S. and everything even slightly familiar. It probably will not be until after college. I don't intend to plan what I do after college. I know I'm not going to go to undergrad because I will undoubtedly be burnt out on school and need to take a break - it'll be weird after 16 years of schooling, but I'm determined to take a year off. I think i'll just buy a plane ticket and go somewhere - the coast of the U.S., Europe. Maybe I'll have some friends there from when they studied abroad or when I studied abroad.
I need to do it then because that's the time to do it - I'll be 22, graduated college (if all goes as planned), and no doubt thirsty to see the world. I gotta do it before I get stuck in a job or stuck in grad school or stuck with whatever thrown my way - hopefully not kids but a boyfriend or something.
Get out while the gettin' is good, is the phrase.
After Europe or wherever, I think I'll move to the coast here in the U.S. Jobs will play a part I'm sure, or even grad school - I haven't given up on Mizzou just yet. Missouri might be welcome after my time abroad. We'll see. Then again, maybe I'll get more schooling abroad. Have to see.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do. It's still early so I have time, but I prefer that when it comes to planning things. Ask anyone who's been to one of my big parties. I plan for a week, two weeks, perhaps a month in advance. I don't know if I want to go into publishing because it might be mind-numbing work. I don't know if I'll want to be a reporter or not. I might be burnt(burned?) out on that. I just want to see the world, and reporting might be the best idea, especially for a young, single woman with no major family commitments.
Yeah, I'm going to be one of those career women. I could never be a housewife. I'd be one of those housewives that kills her husband with a pitchfork or arsenic or something and screams "YOU STOLE MY YOUUUUUUTH!"
Who knows. Maybe I'll be a graphic designer at Vanity Fair or something. I love designing spreads. For now, I guess I'll just do what I love and see what follows. That's ultimately how you find yourself. I'm hoping to get an internship next summer, preferably in Chicago. We'll see.

You are 19.

When the only people you see are in music videos.

When you go on tumblr and proceed to post way too many, way too personal images and quotes.

When you determinedly ignore talking to his best friend about what happened.

When you refuse to reflect on how she gave you a very unpleasant flash of déjà vu.

When you think back to how you used to be and wish you still were.

When you think how ironic that is.

When you realize that that person is deep in you and you just need to let her step out again.

When you receive great comfort from John Hughes films.

When you bake in the sun and nurse your wounds with a fond flash of remembrance.

When you see a picture and think that you actually look pretty even though you pick out your flaws.

When you realize that perfection is boring.

When you realize you will not be a teenager for much longer.

When you realize why people reflect on adolescence with fondness,

You are 19.

So this blog is becoming a collection of my works. I think it will be very therapeutic. I think this summer in general with be therapeutic. I plan to enjoy myself and spend time with people I normally would spend time with it.

"Funny, isn't it," a friend has said, "how our groups have all changed after graduating high school."

Indeed, they have. I like it, I suppose. I'm happier now with these people than I was back in the day, and since some of the people are the same, I figure I am doing pretty well by my own standards, friend wise. You never really keep the same exact people in your lives because we are all changing. I'm not the person I was a year or two or more years ago, and I can't expect other people to be.

I can just expect people to be, whatever they are, a good one: a good person, a good friend. I think that's all I can recall of myself.

"Whatever you are, be a good one."-Abraham Lincoln

Yeah, I like that.

Wannabe Breakfast Club

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“I’m figuring out as we speak. You might as well fill in the gaps.”

She glared at him. “Then figure it out.”

“No. Tell me. I would only get half the story and I don’t half ass anything, so tell me or I’ll coerce you.”

“What, you gonna torture me?” she challenged.

“No, don’t need to. Just going to bother you.”

She stared at the wall resolutely, and finally he sighed.

“Look, we’re in here. We have no other alternative to listening to each other talk other than watching the walls start to bleed. Talk, for fuck’s sake.”

She caught his eye, and for the first time didn’t look away. He stared back, eyes dark and wide and almost honest. She looked at her crunched-up legs, focusing on a scuffed sneaker.

“I was climbing the ladder, the career ladder. I was determined. Slept little, ate little, worked all the time, picked up extra shifts. I hadn’t found the line yet…”

“big surprise,” he muttered, forgetting they were in a six foot space. He immediately regretted it as her head whipped up, gaze hardened.

“You know what? Forget it.”

“Okay, okay, I’m –”

“No, you’re not,” she snapped. “You don’t care. Fuck this. What is this supposed to be? We get caught in the elevator, it breaks, and now we’re in some fucked-up version of The Breakfast Club with only Brian and the Basketcase because of – because of – budget cuts!”

He started laughing, which only pissed her off more.

“Fuck you.”

“Yes, fuck me, that’s funny!” he kept laughing. “Brian? Basketcase? Hey, wait…I’m the nerdy brain? Gee, thanks.”

“Get real. I’m the nerdy brain. You’re the basketcase.”

“Whaaat? I don’t –”

“Oh, I’m sorry, you’re not a compulsive liar with an obviously messed up parental relationship and a broody, outcast, caustic disposition? Please.”
“Ouch. I’m not a compulsive liar. I plan.”

“Oh, that’s so much better.”

“Wait, so what, you’re the nerd? The quiet one? The insecure one with great, magnificent insight and so much pressure from your parents?”

“Yep. I mean, everyone wants to be Bender or Claire, and I saw a bit of myself in all of the characters, even the janitor or the dick principal, but…I always was Brian, I know. Just that one line…” She paused, biting her lip.

He thought. “…‘I don’t know pressure. Fuck you’?”

Genuine surprise. “No…‘I see myself in the mirror, you know, and I…I don’t like what I see.’”

“Don’t be,” he said, shaking his head. She stared at him, head cocked to the side, and visibly thought about his words, wondering if she was foolish for misunderstanding…

“Don’t be what?”

“Don’t be…unhappy with yourself. You’ve got a lot less to be unhappy about than most people, than I do. You’re…you’re one of the best people I’ve met.”

“…Really?”

“Yeah. So, when you look in the mirror…like what you see. You’re one of the few people that should.”

(c) CJB June 7 2012

This is mine. Don't steal.