Places, I am going

Got paid today. YEAHHHH! I needed the good ole (not) trustfund replenished...sooo bad.
And the truck is fixed. No more dent from some asshole, and no chipped paint. It's so purty :)) Plus it actually has more than a quarter tank of gas. Payday, again, chicka chicka yeahhhh!

I have a new mantra now. I've finally reached that point of not looking back at all the things I could've, should've, would've done. It's the first step to a new and improved and, ultimately, happier Cassie. I guess I've finally become exhausted with the whole thing - imagining all these different scenarios with people if I had said this or done that.
It's growing up, and as much as I hate doing that sometimes, as it means another piece of innocence lost, it has to happen, right? Better it happens now than when I'm like 50 and realize I've spent my life being stupid far longer than I should. What I mean by that is how some people never leave high school - they just stay the same person, keep trying to date the same people or take jobs that are just as dead-end as the one before or talk about the same old people.
Where's the forgiveness? Where's the bravery in that? It's terrifying to think that I will be the same person in thirty years that I am now, yet there are people like that. They have kids, jobs, etc. but their personalities never change. It's always the same mindless drabble, a never-ending circle.
A big part of it is where they live, which is why I will never live in Taylorville again. It's starting to lose its significance anyway and turning more into nostalgia. I have new appreciation for it but since those days are gone and I'm not focusing on the past anymore, it's time to remember it fondly but think of new places. I want to live in Europe for a while. I'm not sure how long, but I need to get away from the U.S. and everything even slightly familiar. It probably will not be until after college. I don't intend to plan what I do after college. I know I'm not going to go to undergrad because I will undoubtedly be burnt out on school and need to take a break - it'll be weird after 16 years of schooling, but I'm determined to take a year off. I think i'll just buy a plane ticket and go somewhere - the coast of the U.S., Europe. Maybe I'll have some friends there from when they studied abroad or when I studied abroad.
I need to do it then because that's the time to do it - I'll be 22, graduated college (if all goes as planned), and no doubt thirsty to see the world. I gotta do it before I get stuck in a job or stuck in grad school or stuck with whatever thrown my way - hopefully not kids but a boyfriend or something.
Get out while the gettin' is good, is the phrase.
After Europe or wherever, I think I'll move to the coast here in the U.S. Jobs will play a part I'm sure, or even grad school - I haven't given up on Mizzou just yet. Missouri might be welcome after my time abroad. We'll see. Then again, maybe I'll get more schooling abroad. Have to see.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do. It's still early so I have time, but I prefer that when it comes to planning things. Ask anyone who's been to one of my big parties. I plan for a week, two weeks, perhaps a month in advance. I don't know if I want to go into publishing because it might be mind-numbing work. I don't know if I'll want to be a reporter or not. I might be burnt(burned?) out on that. I just want to see the world, and reporting might be the best idea, especially for a young, single woman with no major family commitments.
Yeah, I'm going to be one of those career women. I could never be a housewife. I'd be one of those housewives that kills her husband with a pitchfork or arsenic or something and screams "YOU STOLE MY YOUUUUUUTH!"
Who knows. Maybe I'll be a graphic designer at Vanity Fair or something. I love designing spreads. For now, I guess I'll just do what I love and see what follows. That's ultimately how you find yourself. I'm hoping to get an internship next summer, preferably in Chicago. We'll see.

You are 19.

When the only people you see are in music videos.

When you go on tumblr and proceed to post way too many, way too personal images and quotes.

When you determinedly ignore talking to his best friend about what happened.

When you refuse to reflect on how she gave you a very unpleasant flash of déjà vu.

When you think back to how you used to be and wish you still were.

When you think how ironic that is.

When you realize that that person is deep in you and you just need to let her step out again.

When you receive great comfort from John Hughes films.

When you bake in the sun and nurse your wounds with a fond flash of remembrance.

When you see a picture and think that you actually look pretty even though you pick out your flaws.

When you realize that perfection is boring.

When you realize you will not be a teenager for much longer.

When you realize why people reflect on adolescence with fondness,

You are 19.

So this blog is becoming a collection of my works. I think it will be very therapeutic. I think this summer in general with be therapeutic. I plan to enjoy myself and spend time with people I normally would spend time with it.

"Funny, isn't it," a friend has said, "how our groups have all changed after graduating high school."

Indeed, they have. I like it, I suppose. I'm happier now with these people than I was back in the day, and since some of the people are the same, I figure I am doing pretty well by my own standards, friend wise. You never really keep the same exact people in your lives because we are all changing. I'm not the person I was a year or two or more years ago, and I can't expect other people to be.

I can just expect people to be, whatever they are, a good one: a good person, a good friend. I think that's all I can recall of myself.

"Whatever you are, be a good one."-Abraham Lincoln

Yeah, I like that.

Wannabe Breakfast Club

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“I’m figuring out as we speak. You might as well fill in the gaps.”

She glared at him. “Then figure it out.”

“No. Tell me. I would only get half the story and I don’t half ass anything, so tell me or I’ll coerce you.”

“What, you gonna torture me?” she challenged.

“No, don’t need to. Just going to bother you.”

She stared at the wall resolutely, and finally he sighed.

“Look, we’re in here. We have no other alternative to listening to each other talk other than watching the walls start to bleed. Talk, for fuck’s sake.”

She caught his eye, and for the first time didn’t look away. He stared back, eyes dark and wide and almost honest. She looked at her crunched-up legs, focusing on a scuffed sneaker.

“I was climbing the ladder, the career ladder. I was determined. Slept little, ate little, worked all the time, picked up extra shifts. I hadn’t found the line yet…”

“big surprise,” he muttered, forgetting they were in a six foot space. He immediately regretted it as her head whipped up, gaze hardened.

“You know what? Forget it.”

“Okay, okay, I’m –”

“No, you’re not,” she snapped. “You don’t care. Fuck this. What is this supposed to be? We get caught in the elevator, it breaks, and now we’re in some fucked-up version of The Breakfast Club with only Brian and the Basketcase because of – because of – budget cuts!”

He started laughing, which only pissed her off more.

“Fuck you.”

“Yes, fuck me, that’s funny!” he kept laughing. “Brian? Basketcase? Hey, wait…I’m the nerdy brain? Gee, thanks.”

“Get real. I’m the nerdy brain. You’re the basketcase.”

“Whaaat? I don’t –”

“Oh, I’m sorry, you’re not a compulsive liar with an obviously messed up parental relationship and a broody, outcast, caustic disposition? Please.”
“Ouch. I’m not a compulsive liar. I plan.”

“Oh, that’s so much better.”

“Wait, so what, you’re the nerd? The quiet one? The insecure one with great, magnificent insight and so much pressure from your parents?”

“Yep. I mean, everyone wants to be Bender or Claire, and I saw a bit of myself in all of the characters, even the janitor or the dick principal, but…I always was Brian, I know. Just that one line…” She paused, biting her lip.

He thought. “…‘I don’t know pressure. Fuck you’?”

Genuine surprise. “No…‘I see myself in the mirror, you know, and I…I don’t like what I see.’”

“Don’t be,” he said, shaking his head. She stared at him, head cocked to the side, and visibly thought about his words, wondering if she was foolish for misunderstanding…

“Don’t be what?”

“Don’t be…unhappy with yourself. You’ve got a lot less to be unhappy about than most people, than I do. You’re…you’re one of the best people I’ve met.”

“…Really?”

“Yeah. So, when you look in the mirror…like what you see. You’re one of the few people that should.”

(c) CJB June 7 2012

This is mine. Don't steal.

In another life, I would never have to say I'm sorry.

Oh wow.
So much has changed.
I helped save a life. Then ruined it. I...I made a huge mistake recently, and it's tearing me apart. This entire semester I have been torn apart.
It's my fault. It's someone else's fault but it's also mine.
Another huge mistake. The only thing that this is good for is that it's teaching me another life lesson. I'm chalking up a lot of those.
I think what's really messed me up is that no one needs me here. No one needs me to talk to them out of something. No one really wants me here. No one would care if I left. It's terrible, right? But that's the way it is when you're an adult. Everyone lets go. I'm still a child because I hold on tightly.
I can't even describe what I'm going through right now. Tonight was a senior ceremony and I cried because two of the seniors are two of the greatest people I've ever known and have really been there. I am losing so many friends next semester, either graduating or studying abroad or transferring. Plus it doesn't help that it seems like so many people have shown their true colors, and none of them blend well with mine.
I'm like a nut in a skittles factory. Hahaha that actually made me smile. But truly, that is probably one of the best descriptions. I've made a lot of mistakes and realized just how powerful are words; I was on the other end of the line. Instead of words tearing me apart, I tore someone else apart, and I can't take it back.
Life lesson. Life lesson. That's my mantra.
I'm damn well tired of it. The best I can do is to remind yourself to remember that everyone else is human, like you, and that words leave scars even deeper than physical ones.
I'm ready to go home and forget the world. See if anyone misses me enough to text or call. Then again, some people annoy me so much these days. Maybe I should just leave? I'm considering it. But then, I'd have to start all over again. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I'm not sure where I'd go, though. A state school? Another private college?
Fuck it. Fuck it all. I want this semester to be over.
And there I go again. For all I know, this semester will be one of the best ones of my life. HA! I need a new beginning. I'm hoping the three months will clear my head, help me find myself again, and hold on to her.

UPDATE: But then, that'd be too easy. I would not grow from that. I need to come back and face my demons, maybe make happier ones. It'd be too easy to flip over a new page and leave. That's the coward's way out. The only thing worse - well, okay, not the only worse thing - than  coming back next semester would be running away. I surely must have some sort of life here. I have a couple jobs lined up at the least. I'm feeling calmer now, but still...it's hard, you know? It's really friggin' hard and upsetting. I'm at the point where sometimes I'm fine but then I see someone, talk to someone, get a random flashback, and I sink.
I wish it'd be a little easier. I know you don't grow when it's easy though.

It's What You Want It To Be

Hi.
I'm being a bit of a downer lately. I feel bad for my friends. I'm having issues, you could say. I'm working on them though. I'm naturally self-destructive, but I'm trying to overcome that. I think everyone is so, what's the big deal? I should be able to overcome. Counseling helps, for shiz. Anybody who has a problem with that can go screw themselves.
I guess it's just one of those points in time where I need to stop, and remember: this is temporary. Everything is temporary. It's all gonna be different in a few months. College is going by so fast, and I already love it so much more than high school. High school is nice because that's when you find out who your friends are. College is nice because you find out who you are, and make some great friends along the way with the insight you gained in high school. Plus make some more mistakes, like I have. Live and learn, right?
When the way you came looks dark, look forward and remember the path is as bright as you make it.

"Not all who wander are lost."-J.R.R. Tolkien

Ain't No Mountain

HI!
Wow. It's been a while. A lot has happened, and yet, not.
I'm on the emotional rollercoaster ride even as my body stays firmly in my every day, same day life.
I suppose there are worse things to be.
Today I had a realization that I always kind of knew, but never quite put into words, and it's simply this. I occasionally have this desire to just change my name, change it to something ridiculous, or start up a fake account. Be this new person. Get called a new name. It took me until tonight to realize, it's not because I want a change of pace...I just want to be a different person sometimes. I think this occurs when a great disappointment happens, because I've been having a few of those in a row. Nothing really went right for me this break...yet one thing did, by not going right.
Allow me to explain: I was talking to a guy, and I knew he wasn't good for me, deep down. I knew it wouldn't work. But he was so persistent, and so different than the usual guy who likes me, I wanted to believe in it. I gave it a shot...but I can't trust him. Deep down. I know something was wrong when we hung out, and so I was going to end it...but then he stopped talking to me. Completely. Two weeks later, he has a girlfriend, so that explains that. Is it bad that I just wanted him to give me a heads up? I mean, he was the one who started this, his persistence...
Ah well. Another disappointment. It's better this way. I deserve better than a guy who, to put it lightly, had some serious flaws. And that's all I have to say about that.
This break's been kind of disappointing. Hardly wrote a thing. I need to get back in the swing of things. Being in this rut has not helped at all with my creative process. I need to be happy, be around people that make me happy, and there's people here that make me happy but...Taylorville's not the same. I dream of something more. I yearn for something more. It's school, college, the great ole land of Monmouth...
God I can't wait for the 22. It might sound terrible, but I guess it's a good thing - I'm moving on to the next chapter. Semester 2. It's going by so fast. I'm trying to grab on to moments, and I think I'm doing pretty well.
Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wiiiiiide enough....

Keep on Keepin' On

It's getting so hectic! It's already the weekend before Thanksgiving. I can hardly believe it. This term flew by faster than any year I was in high school, which is saying something since parts of it are just a huge blur.

*shudder* I feel I'm getting a bit old for this.

Halloween was so much fun. My g-ma, Felicia, dressed me up in 80s gear. I loved it. She is a million times better with make up and hair than I am. She dressed up as a flapper, and her dress was absolutely awesome.

Sadly I didn't get to see my big, Megan. But oh wells. We went to Kimber's room for a bit and then us a big group of girls went to ZBT, where we met up with Carina and Brittany and a ton of other girls. I didn't know a lot of the guys there, but they were hilarious and seemed a lot of fun. I definitely need to go there more often.
Then, off to AFter Dark for the Phi Delt party. I've never danced so much in my life. So many people were there, and I knew a lot of the Phi Delt guys. I can now happily say I grinded on Dr. House, aka Joe Florio. It's weird how similar the two are.

Bridget was there too, Andy's sister. All the guys kept trying to grind on her to piss off Andy, so me and Megan Z and Joe (kind of) acted as a task force to keep her from being too uncomfortable. It was nice to see a familiar face, and I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual.

It's been really busy since then. November has flown by. I went home for 11/11/11 for Tyler's wedding. Michael and Katie's kids are at the fun age now. Sophia loves me, and so do Izzy and Jackson - Jackson's a little turd. I need to watch my mouth around them though. I didn't say any bad words, but I did say butthead, which apparently is a bad word - so much for that. This is what happens when you put me around small children.

Ah wellz, it was a great wedding. I missed a lot on campus though, which isn't fun.

I'm making more friends. Last night me, Kate, Carina and Heather had a pizza/movie party in Kate and Heather's room. It was nice. I missed nights like those. We're going to try to do those every two or three weeks.

YEAH!

Oh, and me and Carina discovered we are the same person. It was odd, but comforting to know I"m not alone in my oddness :)

Tonight was A Christmas Carol, and Xi Marks the Spot. Now i'm going to Jen and Berly's room, then After Dark! I'm so pumped, I straightened my hair!

Oh yeah's. I feel pretty. Now I just need to change.

I'm excited for break. I need a break, first of all - EVERYONE DOES!! College is different in that we do not get a day off every week, but our breaks tend to be longer. Turkey Break isn't much, but winter break is over a month long. Heck yeah!!!

But the best part about Thanksgiving? REAL FOOD!!!!

Life is good. I have the occasional down day, and there's definitely been challenges, but then, c'est la vie. :)