In another life, I would never have to say I'm sorry.

Oh wow.
So much has changed.
I helped save a life. Then ruined it. I...I made a huge mistake recently, and it's tearing me apart. This entire semester I have been torn apart.
It's my fault. It's someone else's fault but it's also mine.
Another huge mistake. The only thing that this is good for is that it's teaching me another life lesson. I'm chalking up a lot of those.
I think what's really messed me up is that no one needs me here. No one needs me to talk to them out of something. No one really wants me here. No one would care if I left. It's terrible, right? But that's the way it is when you're an adult. Everyone lets go. I'm still a child because I hold on tightly.
I can't even describe what I'm going through right now. Tonight was a senior ceremony and I cried because two of the seniors are two of the greatest people I've ever known and have really been there. I am losing so many friends next semester, either graduating or studying abroad or transferring. Plus it doesn't help that it seems like so many people have shown their true colors, and none of them blend well with mine.
I'm like a nut in a skittles factory. Hahaha that actually made me smile. But truly, that is probably one of the best descriptions. I've made a lot of mistakes and realized just how powerful are words; I was on the other end of the line. Instead of words tearing me apart, I tore someone else apart, and I can't take it back.
Life lesson. Life lesson. That's my mantra.
I'm damn well tired of it. The best I can do is to remind yourself to remember that everyone else is human, like you, and that words leave scars even deeper than physical ones.
I'm ready to go home and forget the world. See if anyone misses me enough to text or call. Then again, some people annoy me so much these days. Maybe I should just leave? I'm considering it. But then, I'd have to start all over again. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I'm not sure where I'd go, though. A state school? Another private college?
Fuck it. Fuck it all. I want this semester to be over.
And there I go again. For all I know, this semester will be one of the best ones of my life. HA! I need a new beginning. I'm hoping the three months will clear my head, help me find myself again, and hold on to her.

UPDATE: But then, that'd be too easy. I would not grow from that. I need to come back and face my demons, maybe make happier ones. It'd be too easy to flip over a new page and leave. That's the coward's way out. The only thing worse - well, okay, not the only worse thing - than  coming back next semester would be running away. I surely must have some sort of life here. I have a couple jobs lined up at the least. I'm feeling calmer now, but still...it's hard, you know? It's really friggin' hard and upsetting. I'm at the point where sometimes I'm fine but then I see someone, talk to someone, get a random flashback, and I sink.
I wish it'd be a little easier. I know you don't grow when it's easy though.

It's What You Want It To Be

Hi.
I'm being a bit of a downer lately. I feel bad for my friends. I'm having issues, you could say. I'm working on them though. I'm naturally self-destructive, but I'm trying to overcome that. I think everyone is so, what's the big deal? I should be able to overcome. Counseling helps, for shiz. Anybody who has a problem with that can go screw themselves.
I guess it's just one of those points in time where I need to stop, and remember: this is temporary. Everything is temporary. It's all gonna be different in a few months. College is going by so fast, and I already love it so much more than high school. High school is nice because that's when you find out who your friends are. College is nice because you find out who you are, and make some great friends along the way with the insight you gained in high school. Plus make some more mistakes, like I have. Live and learn, right?
When the way you came looks dark, look forward and remember the path is as bright as you make it.

"Not all who wander are lost."-J.R.R. Tolkien

Ain't No Mountain

HI!
Wow. It's been a while. A lot has happened, and yet, not.
I'm on the emotional rollercoaster ride even as my body stays firmly in my every day, same day life.
I suppose there are worse things to be.
Today I had a realization that I always kind of knew, but never quite put into words, and it's simply this. I occasionally have this desire to just change my name, change it to something ridiculous, or start up a fake account. Be this new person. Get called a new name. It took me until tonight to realize, it's not because I want a change of pace...I just want to be a different person sometimes. I think this occurs when a great disappointment happens, because I've been having a few of those in a row. Nothing really went right for me this break...yet one thing did, by not going right.
Allow me to explain: I was talking to a guy, and I knew he wasn't good for me, deep down. I knew it wouldn't work. But he was so persistent, and so different than the usual guy who likes me, I wanted to believe in it. I gave it a shot...but I can't trust him. Deep down. I know something was wrong when we hung out, and so I was going to end it...but then he stopped talking to me. Completely. Two weeks later, he has a girlfriend, so that explains that. Is it bad that I just wanted him to give me a heads up? I mean, he was the one who started this, his persistence...
Ah well. Another disappointment. It's better this way. I deserve better than a guy who, to put it lightly, had some serious flaws. And that's all I have to say about that.
This break's been kind of disappointing. Hardly wrote a thing. I need to get back in the swing of things. Being in this rut has not helped at all with my creative process. I need to be happy, be around people that make me happy, and there's people here that make me happy but...Taylorville's not the same. I dream of something more. I yearn for something more. It's school, college, the great ole land of Monmouth...
God I can't wait for the 22. It might sound terrible, but I guess it's a good thing - I'm moving on to the next chapter. Semester 2. It's going by so fast. I'm trying to grab on to moments, and I think I'm doing pretty well.
Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no river wiiiiiide enough....

Keep on Keepin' On

It's getting so hectic! It's already the weekend before Thanksgiving. I can hardly believe it. This term flew by faster than any year I was in high school, which is saying something since parts of it are just a huge blur.

*shudder* I feel I'm getting a bit old for this.

Halloween was so much fun. My g-ma, Felicia, dressed me up in 80s gear. I loved it. She is a million times better with make up and hair than I am. She dressed up as a flapper, and her dress was absolutely awesome.

Sadly I didn't get to see my big, Megan. But oh wells. We went to Kimber's room for a bit and then us a big group of girls went to ZBT, where we met up with Carina and Brittany and a ton of other girls. I didn't know a lot of the guys there, but they were hilarious and seemed a lot of fun. I definitely need to go there more often.
Then, off to AFter Dark for the Phi Delt party. I've never danced so much in my life. So many people were there, and I knew a lot of the Phi Delt guys. I can now happily say I grinded on Dr. House, aka Joe Florio. It's weird how similar the two are.

Bridget was there too, Andy's sister. All the guys kept trying to grind on her to piss off Andy, so me and Megan Z and Joe (kind of) acted as a task force to keep her from being too uncomfortable. It was nice to see a familiar face, and I'm pretty sure the feeling was mutual.

It's been really busy since then. November has flown by. I went home for 11/11/11 for Tyler's wedding. Michael and Katie's kids are at the fun age now. Sophia loves me, and so do Izzy and Jackson - Jackson's a little turd. I need to watch my mouth around them though. I didn't say any bad words, but I did say butthead, which apparently is a bad word - so much for that. This is what happens when you put me around small children.

Ah wellz, it was a great wedding. I missed a lot on campus though, which isn't fun.

I'm making more friends. Last night me, Kate, Carina and Heather had a pizza/movie party in Kate and Heather's room. It was nice. I missed nights like those. We're going to try to do those every two or three weeks.

YEAH!

Oh, and me and Carina discovered we are the same person. It was odd, but comforting to know I"m not alone in my oddness :)

Tonight was A Christmas Carol, and Xi Marks the Spot. Now i'm going to Jen and Berly's room, then After Dark! I'm so pumped, I straightened my hair!

Oh yeah's. I feel pretty. Now I just need to change.

I'm excited for break. I need a break, first of all - EVERYONE DOES!! College is different in that we do not get a day off every week, but our breaks tend to be longer. Turkey Break isn't much, but winter break is over a month long. Heck yeah!!!

But the best part about Thanksgiving? REAL FOOD!!!!

Life is good. I have the occasional down day, and there's definitely been challenges, but then, c'est la vie. :)

Why hello, ledge, I'm thinking I need some space from you.

To clarify last blogpost, ladies and gentleman, I'd like to say I don't hate Monmouth College. Truly, I don't. It's beautiful here and the people are pretty friendly, all things considered.

I'm just a freshman stuck in a brand new world and the future is creeping up on me. Existential crisis, a friend or two has called it. And now I'm wondering what I'm doing. Where am I going to end up?

But then, I finally calmed down. I talked to a few of my good friends. I talked to a professor. I'm stepping down from the ledge, so to speak. I guess it's just a typical part of life - and sometimes you hit it early, sometimes you don't. I typically hit things before everyone else. I'm not sure if this is one of those cases.

It's all baby steps, I suppose. Invite people over, talk to people you typically don't talk to, chill out in the library or the lounge or sorority house as opposed to your room. Give out your number if the person passes the creeper test or the bitch-you-don't-want-to-have-on-your-contacts-list. And just *be.*

It takes time, but I'll get there. I've got all this time, and don't have any time, all at once. That's beauty of living, isn't it? Not having a clue when it all ends. It kind of sucks because when the moment comes I imagine you feel pretty stupid about all the time you wasted…but that's just being human, really. I know I waste time. I feel pretty miserable sometimes. I think it's inevitable. I guess just try to live in the now, and don't sweat the small things. I hear people complain about the most retarded things, and it really makes me go, "huh? Quit being so negative."

Seriously, positivity is key. I have my moments, Lord knows, but at least I'm trying. And that's all I can do.

I don't know.

"and we'll climb up on the mountain, y'all, we'll let our voices ring, and those who've never tried it, they'll be the first to sing."

I don't know what I'm doing here.
What if I made a mistake? What if I picked the wrong college? What if it's not the college and it's just me? Maybe i'm just tired of being in school. I hate that it's "required" to graduate college to be successful. I hate being in school. I'm not learning anything important, and I can't imagine it's different anywhere else - private, public, wherever.

I seriously hate it. I hated it in high school. I don't hate it quite as much as I did then, but I still just look around sometimes and ask, "Why am I here? Why the hell am I here?"

Am I supposed to go on my own? I feel like the moment you lose your drive for education, you lose any value you may gain. I'm trying, I'm definitely taking steps to figure out what's wrong within, but sometimes I wonder if maybe I should just quit.
Give up.
Do something really different.
Scare myself.

But how do I do that? No one will help me. Hell, hardly anyone helps me now. I try to map out what I'd do if I actually did it, drop out of college, but I don't know. I'd be alone, and while I generally like my quiet time, I can't be alone for long. It bores me. It saddens me. Sometimes it angers me. But then, if I leave school and just go somewhere, anywhere, will that be any better?

Or am I just traveling the typical voyage of a college drop out, and never amount to anything? Wind up trapped somewhere? Be dead inside for the rest of my life?

My god. There would be no safety net. But what if I wind up finding out what I'm meant to do?
Or is it too soon?
But seriously…I don't know what I'm doing.

I just don't know anymore.

Get Mad. Sometimes. No, Really.

You ever read a book that randomly reminds you of a long-suppressed memory, and suddenly, something makes sense?

I'm reading a lot of books I've never read before for my Young Adult Lit class (English 180). One is 'The Skin I'm In.' Maybe you've read it - it's a junior high, elementary school-level book. It's about a black girl who is picked on mercilessly by everyone, yet affiliates herself with the worst girl of them all as a semi-sort of protection. Needless to say, I want to punch the bully in the face. And I want to shake some sense in Maleeka.

But I know it can't be done. Because I was there. I used to let someone pick on me, beat me up, do all sorts of nasty things - childish things, terrible things, things that hurt long after they happened, long after the wounds were inflicted. And there's only so much anyone else can do before enough is enough.

I never really got my 'enough is enough' moment. At least, if it did, I don't remember it. I fought back, but I was overpowered.

Now, there's no one that can push me around. I get mad. And I do something about it. So maybe all the childhood/adolescent trauma did something to me, something that can't be undone, something that many people try to protect kids from but, hell, it made me stronger. It made me fight.

I heard the click. Something finally fit in my mind, something small but really important to how I am. I always get mad when I read books where the protagonist is picked on. Whether they do something or not is not quite as relevant, although I usually keep telling them to do something. I mean, looking back, junior high was worse than high school because that was the only time I was bullied by multiple people. Now, well, let's just say those people are fuckin' losers. Never going to amount to anything, probably wind up dead in the next ten years, the whole nine yards. I could be wrong. Maybe they'll be the next dude of The Pursuit of Happyness, and in a way I hope I'm wrong, but I doubt I am.

Looking back, I see how ridiculous it is not to stand up for yourself. I mean, when you're a kid it's a big deal if you're different. Oh God, it is. But there's a difference between wanting to fit in, and taking every shit that is dumped on you like a patch of grass. There's a fine line. And I know how to walk it. So while I am prone to hitting people, it is because I am hard-wired that way, after letting someone physically assault me - I literally, sometimes, must hit back.

And now, some words of wisdom from the a guy who used to be a major eff-up:
"Don't ever take no shit off of anybody. I think that's the best piece of advice I ever got."-Johnny Depp